@DukEB51: You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
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@ieatanddrink: I like telling car salesmen "Listen, we both know I'm not here to buy a car" and trying to figure out what it is they think I'm there to do
@NinjaFuneral: I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I'm checking Twitter and not taking pictures.
@awesomeseank: Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
@prontopup: Kristen Stewart is proof that if you're making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.