You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
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I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out