You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
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I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.