You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
This probably isn’t good
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea