You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.