You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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#SuperBowl
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.