You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
December birthdays be like…
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.