@AmishPornStar1: You know you're getting old when you sound like a women's tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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@Fred_Delicious: Date - "I really dig intellectuals" Me - "oh yeah? well check this out babe" [counts to 17]
@GingerHotDish: M: Bless me Father for I have sinned. P: You're not even Catholic. M: You don't want to hear what I did? P: Oh, I do. I've read your tweets.
@CaptainJerkwad: Hate being a funeral director "why'd u take the job?" I inherited it from my dad "You could've just declined it" And lose my first customer?
@fro_vo: Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol Pentagon: he's getting too close