@darinlovesbacon: I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast

@TheCatWhisprer: Giving somebody a greeting card is the most festive way to deposit $5 into their trashcan.

@goodballs: How to get out of a bad date. 1. Pull fake baby out of your bag. 2. Tell your date to help pick a name. 3. Start taking family photos.

@Tmoney68: I don't care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you've GOT to make a choice.

@LOLGOP: God must be a Republican. He wasn't that into humans until He found His Son was one.