@AmishPornStar1: You know you're getting old when you sound like a women's tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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@TheToddWilliams: [job interview] Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja? Ninja: I just cut your head off. Boss: That’s pr--*thump*
@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick
@pleatedjeans: Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal