@PeaceInTruth1: Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
@TheToddWilliams: [job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr--*thump*
@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick
@pleatedjeans: Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
@SF_incognito: You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name
Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present
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