@PeaceInTruth1: Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

@TheToddWilliams: [job interview] Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja? Ninja: I just cut your head off. Boss: That’s pr--*thump*

@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick

@pleatedjeans: Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

@SF_incognito: You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present