@onion_an: Guy: [pulls out knife] Me: But I'm allergic to stainless steel Guy: [stabs me] Me: Noooo I'll get a rash

@slimmy_shady: When I have a daughter I'm naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say "Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night" how would that sound?

@InThaBurbs: Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

@thepatrickwalsh: My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

@JustMug: "That looks interesting. I think I'll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers