@AmishPornStar1: You know you're getting old when you sound like a women's tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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@girlontapas: Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
@markedly: [talking with ex] Me: Is he more boring than me? Her: He is. Me: *devastated* How could you?
@amazymay72x: You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill...
@OfficialMizGin: There’s nothing more disappointing for a woman than finding out a bearded guy in a flannel shirt is a hipster and not a lumberjack.