@AmishPornStar1: You know you're getting old when you sound like a women's tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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@onion_an: Guy: [pulls out knife] Me: But I'm allergic to stainless steel Guy: [stabs me] Me: Noooo I'll get a rash
@slimmy_shady: When I have a daughter I'm naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say "Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night" how would that sound?
@thepatrickwalsh: My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.