You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
The smoothest fall of all time
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts