You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.