If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
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I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder