@Mr_Kapowski: You know you're good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did
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@Tmoney68: BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower. He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
@LoveNLunchmeat: My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I'm always seeing double. It's a nightmare! Optometrist: Ma'am you have identical twins...
@Darlainky: *hands envelope to Santa* I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
@fro_vo: Me: so what do you do Date: i’m an optometrist M: oh like a glass half full thing D: no like eyes M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes