Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
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“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?