*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*puts my mental health in rice
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH