@NickSwardson: You know you're hung over when people recognize you but they think you're E.T.
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@bwebster76: Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don't have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?
@KeetPotato: judge: "you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?" me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] "that's correct"
@Darchstar007: Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn't be arguing...
@1CleverClogs: I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you'd better do what I meant and not what I said.