@NickSwardson: You know you're hung over when people recognize you but they think you're E.T.
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@murrman5: good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed "we don't have a dog" *smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
@FatherWithTwins: I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
@sammyrhodes: Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.
@naazihah: Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses. Me: I have contacts. Cop: I don't care who you know, you're not getting out of this one.