You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
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If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job