You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
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After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Camping tip: No.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*