@liv_thatsme: You know you're old when you see the neighbor's dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.
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@JessicaVarsity: I've watched three episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" tonight, adding "outdoor enthusiast and survival expert" to my online dating profile.
@KeetPotato: [interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding] lol a horse drawn carriage? "what's funny about that?" a horse can't hold a pencil karen
@rockymomax: [me as a magician] *pulls rabbit from hat* AUDIENCE: ooOoOo *pulls knife from hat* A: ooOoOo *pulls sautée pan from hat* A: NNOOOOOO
@knot_eye: [sees woman reading] "Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz."