13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
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Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Last-minute gift idea!
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.