Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
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Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth