@bornmiserable: You know you're on drugs when you're talking to your kids about drugs and you don't have any kids.
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@KattsDogma: I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
@InternetHippo: JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life ME: This guy is definitely an only child
@katiefzack: I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like "Oh she's cool she's one of us."
@Bagyants: I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like "Let's name it Rad!" and one guy was all "Let's dial that back a bit."