Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
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Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man