You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
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Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
titanic
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.