@LivibelsDada: You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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@RickAaron: I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
@_knuck_: *peeing in the urinal at McDonalds* *turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal* "So, what did you order?"
@pleatedjeans: At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
@Book_Krazy: *pulls up to window* Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I'll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*