@LivibelsDada: You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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@WheelTod: I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
@trevso_electric: The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
@trentistweeting: [feeding baby] Here comes the plane! *baby swallows food* wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk
@mrtruthandsoul: The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you're the one that farted