Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
When he asks for feet pics
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…