I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
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My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
No, I don’t think I will.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.