@perlapell: You know you've just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
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@TheBoydP: The end of the month is like stubbing your little toe in the dark. You’re probably broke and there’s nothing you can do about it.
@_troyjohnson: Children grow an average of 2.5 inches a year. All of that growth happens in the 24 hours after you buy them new clothes.
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She's always getting mad at me "There's a shark living in our pool" IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
@daemonic3: [heaven's IT department] Ok, I see why your computer's crashing. Have you been closing doors again? God: Yes, why? Too many open windows