You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
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Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
every. time.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too