You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
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“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.