what’s really going on
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“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.