Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.