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@shirtlifting: you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
@murrman5: [shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
@mejustbeth: Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She's really good at that.
@boymachinist: I had to buy a voodoo doll of myself and rub its back.
@elwaytotheend: Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
@MommaUnfiltered: My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it's going to get our kids into Harvard.