you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
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I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
🤔😂😂
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.