You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
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I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.