@DominicStraw: You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn't working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don't get it.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
@Chumpstring: I didn't spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
@cheeky__gal: A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he's done with the place.
@zachreinert03: If a genie granted me 3 wishes I'd ask for unlimited wishes, then I'd probably take a nap