@NickBossRoss: You legally aren't married until someone says, "haha but seriously" in their wedding speech.
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@DothTheDoth: I know Taco Bell doesn't have "I hate myself" sauce yet. But they should. They should.
@robfee: Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would've handed me a mop then beat me with a belt
@_The_Man__: Wife: the library called about an overdue book *eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life* "Tell them I died in the moon wars"
@TheTweetOfGod: I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.