You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
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My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.