“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles