You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
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Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.