@Smug_Lemur: Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

@Stabby_smurf: Let's say weed does make me dumber. Then you should be thanking me for levelling the playing field.

@Rollinintheseat: Boss: "Do you know why I called you in here?" Me: "To see if I can read minds?"

@WilliamAder: Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I'm going to need those back.

@AmericanGent69: *security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.