I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My typo game is string.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads