“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?