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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that鈥檚 what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 馃槍馃挱
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
馃幎99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-馃幎Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Welcome to your 40鈥檚: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.