@fatherofcomedy: 'You look fat' is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
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@NotThatKristi: My jeans say "no more Christmas goodies" but my leggings are like "we got you, gurrrl"
@JermHimselfish: Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it's day off.
@onion_an: Dentist switches lamp on: "Now open wide" Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb* Dentist: "This has to stop Denise"