@fatherofcomedy: 'You look fat' is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
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@MelKassel: GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha GENIE 2: i just...gave mine money GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
@duplicitron: The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.
@stenokel: Jehovah's witnesses are at my door. *Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, "Are you the keymaster?"*
@jordan_stratton: [boss finds pics of me snowboarding] "You missed work bc you said you were sick...& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING" *fist bump*