@fatherofcomedy: 'You look fat' is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
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@flashember: ME: I'm so happy, I could treat a horse! WIFE: *sighs* That's not a saying [spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don't listen to her Mr Butters
@PortRooster: Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple? Me: Blurple. *She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I "know"
@Seinfeld2000: GERG: She licked ur donut? JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER! GERG: gross! JERY: she also said she "hates america" GERG: Donut licking traitor!
@Quartzjixler: I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.