what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
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I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”