You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.