You look like you would fail a DNA test
You Might Also Like
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex