“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
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I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable