You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
*seductively eats two tums*
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
#JohnTravolta
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020