You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.