You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
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This is true.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Every Adele song is about lasagna.