@shwood: You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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@Faux_Ma: At my job interview today the Boss said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."
@IntrepidDeviant: So she was like, "Put on some protection". I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
@fluffysuse: My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don't need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
@tastefactory: I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there's a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv