“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.