“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick