@JimmerThatisAll: You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
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@UNTRESOR: "Sorry, boss. I can't come in today." "Why not?" [fakes a sore throat] "I'm in jail for vehicular manslaughter."
@shkeeber: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You love me? Cop: Me: Cop: Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower? Cop: Yes. Me: *floors it*
@trouteyes: BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
@elle91: They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this