You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
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[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
*puts cutlery down*
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.