You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
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At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
“The Perfect Relationship”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.