You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
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Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Yes my dude
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.