You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
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Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Thinking about Jeff
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin