You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
🤣✨#caturday
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life