If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
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Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Cake safety first. Always.